It will take time...

Yikes I need to get better at this blog stuff...  The constant prodding from my mother just isn't enough!  "You know Kris so-n-so saw me today and they said they haven't seen a new blog entry lately." "Kris you really should update your blog, people are wondering what is going on."  so for all of you that have been waiting here it is...
The picture above is of Monkey making me my Mothers Day cake. Now if that doesn't make me smile I don't know what does.  Pretty cute isn't it.  It also gave me a little sugar buzz and a slight stomach ache but it was so worth it!  Again she always seems to make lifes trials and stresses so little and trivial to me.  She keeps me grounded, as does Jeremy but, there is nothing like a crisis of a missing blankie or a good over tired crying session to make me realize what is important.  What is important you may ask, well it is my family.  My family makes me happy and for that I am greatful.
Per my last post I feel like I do owe an update :)  Not a whole lot has changed or is new so that I guess is a good thing.  I had a wonderful Easter surrounded by my family. I went out on a limb and hosted it here at the Funny Farm aka: Brandt House.  I am sure the days before my neighbors were wondering what I was doing outside nightly dancing... I was doing the "good weather" dance as I really wanted people to be outside on the deck and not in my little casa.  It all paid off as the day was beautiful.  It helped me go into a stressful week of testing at peace and ready.
A couple weeks before Easter...  I had met with the cardiologist, who I might add is an amazing man with a great deal of knowledge and excellent bedside manor, he was pretty sure that my problems were casued from a hole in my heart.  (It is called a PFO- Patient Foramen Ovale)  He scheduled me for a TEE (a special Echo to get a look at my heart via my esphagus.)  and we scheduled the closure procedure immediately following the TEE.  Needless to say a little versed and IV fluids later I did not require the closure.  After getting a better look at the hole in my heart the Dr didn't feel that it was big enough to close, or big enough to be causing me any problems. Positve-I recieved enough medication that I didn't rememebr the procedure Negative-I unfortunately don't remember the conversation he had with me and Jeremy after the TEE.  Ultimately my understanding is that they tried every manuver in the book to get blood to flow through the hole and show them that this was the problem but again I simply wouldn't, or my body simply wouldn't, comply with what was being asked :) (shocker I know.)  They were only able to get a few bubbles to go through. No fault on anyone's part... It is what it is...
So that is why I say "I guess no new news is good news."  Part of me, a big part of me, was hoping that there would be a fixable problem and that I could get back on that "Normal train."  Is there even such a thing??  I was hoping that this would again help my breathing and I would keep "getting better."  I thought that I was ok with them finding nothing prior to the test but I guess that isn't so much the case now.  I still have no answer to why my sats drop, randomly.  I have no understanding of what to avoid so it doens't occur again.  I just know it isn't my heart, and that truly is a good thing.  I was told "it surely is not your heart, as that looks very healthy." {{{sigh}}}  I know right?!!   The best part of the story is that I was given great meds and I had my family over for dinner that night, after the test, and I don't even remember!  I guess we had great pizza and great laughs so again another positive outcome :)  It is those little things that keep me going everyday.  I can't waste time focusing on the what if's and should be's... those just are not reality.  Reality is that I am still here, and even though it is hardly noticable any more, I am still improving.
I am still blessed that I have an amazing "team" of doctors that continue to appreciate my business and quirky issues.   Funny I say team... sorta like a team of horses that keep pulling me forward everyday.  Good thing I am still working on the floor as the week after my test I ran into my regular doctor and asked him, "what now?"  To which his words of wisdom were.. "well we know it's not your heart."  huh, yep he's right. We do know what it is NOT.  So there again another positive :)  I trust that he has my best intrest at hand and for right now that is enough. 
Jeremy and I have contemplated getting a second opinion... I hear all of you that are encouraging it, really I do hear you. I have spent a lot of time thinking and praying for some sort of clue as to how to handle that topic.  I however am not exactly sure where it will get me.  There is a small chance it may get me something new... that can be good or bad depending on how you look at it.  They could find something new, it could be fixable or not fixable... I could find a doctor that would close the PFO... I might gain some more insight on what life holds for me, maybe not...  Notice how all of those are "coulds" and "mights"... OR, It could get me back to where I am now.  Really is "now" so bad?  I have amazing family, amazing friends, and great doctors.  So for now the second opinion can wait.  I am happy wiping the over tired tears from monkey's face and dealing with the missing blankie problems.  And for those that know my husband and his lawn... I am even happy to deal with the hours my husband spends mowing, treating, fertilizing, watering, ultimately grooming the lawn. (really I will still crab about it but I am happy to deal with it) Right now really is ok. 
It will take time...  Time seems to give me the answers that I sometimes crave.  Time is an unknown factor that we all at times take for granted.  For now I will enjoy what I have and be happy with what it is :)
God Bless and Peace... K

Taken from My Caring Bridge...

Hello All,
It has been a long time since an update...  I have to be honest I was hoping it would be a lot longer between but  God has chosen it to be different.  That and my mom countinues to remind me, thats putting it nicely, nag me to get an update for those that follow and are not on facebook.  Now being a mom I do have to say I understand the art of nagging just a little better :) That being said go to the bathroom, grab a snack, and a beverage and get comfortable....  I am gonna let it all out...
I am going to step back just a bit in time...  About 2 weeks ago I started to come down with a chest cold.  I started up the usual Mucinex and Delsym combo and begrudginly moved out to the recliner for sleeping at night.  I let this go on for about 4-5 days.  My cough was getting to me, I wasn't improving, and I figured I better watch my sats a little closer.  They weren't horrible but they wern't good either.  I desided I better allow someone else to try to manage my temproary illness as I was not making any ground on my own.  (trust me that is not an easy thing!)  I attempted to see me regular doctor but unfortunately she was booked.  I took the first Urgent care appointment I could.  Keep in mind I knew that this was not the best option, as I am no longer just an ordinary 33 year old but it was all I had.  I desisded to leave work early and go home to get my big girl undies on and get up the courage to face the fact that I was again having a little backward slide.  I got to clinic, I heard the good ole "Kristin Brandt". I can still see the look on the LPN's face when he took my sats...poor guy.  I think he is still cleaning out his scrubs....  he immediately ran out of the room before I had a chance to explain, he grabbed the PA...and so the story began!  I was immediately rushed to lab and xray.  I have to admit a part of me really enjoyed watching this unfold.  I started with the "this really isn't bad...I have been worse...I had ARDS... I feel short of breath..."  I am not sure which one of those statements put these trained professionals over the edge but one did.  THe PA remained calm but still was unsure with what I was telling him.  I of course put in my "oh I will be ok at home I just need a little medication to help... this is just like how I felt when I got really sick...."  Yep then came the second doctor and the PA went to talk with my regualr doctor, the next thing I knew I was admitted to the hospital and back on oxygen!  I know right?!?!  I was hospitalized for 3 days then sent back home on oxygen, with a couple follow up appointments.  My regular pulmonologist saw me in teh hospital, thankfully so.  He has a way of making me calm down and I always know tha tI am in good hands when he is runnign the show.  It was this encounter that I actually realized that maybe we get along so well because we both like to have control, be right, and have a "intrest" in me being well. (shocking I know but I am a control freak)   All was going pretty well.  I used my oxygen over the weekend and saw improvement in my sats.  Headed back to work on Monday, got caught in the elevator by one of the doctors that saw me and she very polietly asked me where my "prongs" were.  Bless her for "busting" me and keeping it professional in an elevator full of visitors.  Now that is sheer talent!  Her smile gave me comfort yet a feeling that I need to listen to others, as they only have my best intrest at hand.  (I promise some day I will learn that)
I repeated all my oxygen/lung studies at my follow up appointment, they really didn't show major decline but didn't show improvement either.  Dr Risher then felt we needed to look into these episodes a little closer since this was my 4th episode of hypoxemia (low oxygen saturations) since I was discharged.  He ordered a transcranial doppler bubble study to look for some right to left shunting of blood.  The way I usderstand it is he was looking for a hole in my heart or some sort of "shunt" that was creating wrong way blood flow.  They inject air into a vein along with some sugar water and then they watch it via ultrasound.  Now the nurse in me threw up at the thought of having air pushed into my vein however everyone else was very calm by this talk.  I am embarassed but I think I even broke out in an anxiety rash thinking about the air bubbles running through my body! ha ha   I had that study done yesterday.  When I walked out of the Echo room the tech told me that a cardiologist would read the test in 2-3 days.  I then interpreted that as "yep it looked pretty routine and we'll be in touch..."  However the looks exchanged by the two techs that did the study told me different.  They exchanged a look a couple of times that said "oh, did you see that?! that is not a good thing."  It was that look that I wasn't so comfortable with.  Well the phone rang at 8:45 this morning that the test was positive, I have a hole, and I will need to see the cardiologist. 
So here I sit...  In a way I am glad it is "something" and that something can be fixed.  I will being seeing the cardiologist April 20th.  But in a bigger way I am sad and tired.  I am tired of always having something to deal with.  I am sad that I have to be faced with another procedure and most likely a hospitalization.  I am sad for my family that can't catch a break from my health.  I have mixed emotions and I know that in time I will absorb this and be able to rationalize it in my head.  I also am thankful that I have so much support from friends and family that are right here with me.  I know that I am not alone.  I no longer feel guilty for requesting to be on call today, and better yet having it granted. I am having a food network marathon type of day in my jammies on the couch.  I think that is what the doctor ordered for today :)  I think I have the perfect Paula Dean potato recipe for Easter dinner, that has to be considered a success right?!?!  I will have an afternoon chat with God asking for some peace and comfort while I wait for answers. (and I will ask him to nudge mother nature for some warm sunshine!)  I will try my best to keep everyone updated and in the loop.  I will post on my blog as well.
As Mark Twain said it, "The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone up."  I better get on that! :)
God Bless,
Kristin

Vacation Bound....

I have been joking all week to my co-workers that I am pretty sure I am a "redneck" becasue I am excited to go on "vacation" to Grand Forks North Dakota! Yep thats right...  However it is away from here and it is with my family so that qualifies as a vacation right?!
I have been running like a chicken with my head cut off these past few weeks and I am needing a change.  I am in need of peace, quiet, and serenity.  Is that really too much to ask?   I have little tolerance for any sort of shenaggans.  I am finding my self short with myself, now that is bad.  I can't imagine what that lady thought that was sitting next to me at the stop light tonight on my way home from work... I was busy yelling at myself for odd and ends that didn't get done today and those that know me, know that I am animated when I talk.  After a few seconds of yelling I had the feeling I was being watched so I looked to my left and yep, I was being watched by the lady in the car next to me.  I quickly pretended that I was talking on a headset peice for my cell phone... right cause I own one of those. :)  (it was that or yell at her...I think I made the better choice)
Life is much to short to be this stressed out by the little things.  Everyday at work I am reminded that my life is a walk in the park compared to many others.  I have my health, my family, and many other things that some others do not. 
My monkey has been sick the last 3 days.  Now by sick I mean she had a pretty good case of the vomits and the loose "muddy" roads but nothing serious.  I was quickly reminded by a close friend last night that Bella being sick is really not "bad" and that it could be worse.  I made a couple meals for a family last night whose 3 year old had a brain tumor removed a week ago.  She is beautiful and is the same age as my Bella.  As we were shopping for ingredients at Coborns last night I was explaining to Bella why we were going to make meals to help this girls mom and dad.  I told her that we were going to make meals so this girls mom and dad could focus on her and not worry about little things like making supper.  Bella quickly got the hang of this and was throwing things in the cart.  As we passed the fruit snack isle Bella stopped dead in her tracks and stood infront of the bringht pink My Little Pony fruit snacks.  She tossed a box into our cart, looked up at me with the cutest eyes and said "mama every girl like me loves pony snacks."  As we rounded the other isles she continues to add things to the cart that "every girl" has to have.  At this point I was reflecting...Looking at her eagerly throwing in Mac N Cheese and Teddy Grams made me think... I hope my Bella is learning life lessons that took me years to learn.  I hope she is learning that being nice to others in need is not only nice but neccesary.  I hope that she is learning that doing something nice doesn't need repayment.  I hope that she is learning that people need people.  I hope she feels as good as I do when I "pay it forward."  It was not that long ago that we were in need of help and everyone stepped up to help us.   I find such joy in returning the "nice-ities."  When those hazel money eyes looked at me and said "mama I am sick like that little girl."  I couldn't help but get teary. (even though it was her way of making a plea for the Sponge Bob Mac N cheese.) It was hard to choke out the words no you are not sick like her but I did.  I felt selfish for being thankful I wasn't agreeing with her but in the same breath I felt saddened for her parents that were faced with the emotions and strain this "sickness" has created.  It made me thankful that I was only dealing with the vomits and the "muddy" roads.  I was ever so quickly reminded that my life could be worse, and that I have it good. I ask that you all put your "crisis" in daily life into persective and always rememebr it could be worse.  Pray for healing and strength for this family.  God will guide them I am sure but a little extra never hurts.
I am a bit of a Facebook junkie and tonigth one of my close friends had a post that I couldn't help but borrow.  When I read it it about pee'd my pants laughing.  Sometimes it takes the hard core truth to bring things back to reality and she hit it right on the nose with this one... It helped me focus on what is truly an "issue" and what I really need to just get over.
BREAKING NEWS: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of "SUCK IT UP" and "MOVE ON" and crashed into "WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS" before coming to a complete stop at "GET THE HELL OVER IT!!!!" Reporting live from "KWITCHERBITCHEN!"
Re-reading it still makes me giggle but it has some sound advise in it. :)  I hope to enjoy myself and my family this weekend.  I hope the same for you all.  Take time to reflect on what really is important to you, I know I will.  (even if it is in the Great state of North Dakota!)
Good night all and God Bless

Much appreciation

I have a new appreciation for those that can juggle lifes many fastballs and take it in stride.  A little background...  I am back to work full time now, Bless it be.  I am also working for St Cloud State as an adjunct faculty.  It is really only intended to be part time but in my world it is fulltime.  I am also a fulltime mother and wife.  Also I feel the need to warn you that this may be a bit rambled and rantish...  It may not even make sence...Now that being said...  I have tried very hard these last two weeks not to become overwhelmed with my crazy life.  I have tried hard to to bust out in tears cause I bit off more then I could chew.  I have tried not to yell at my husband or kiddo because I havent' gotten enough sleep.  I have tried to remember eveything I am spoced to be doing or following up with since my plate is overfull.  If I had to grade myself I would give me a solid B.  I have cried, cause I am human and I have feelings and limitations.  Both of which I have tested and pushed the limits of this past week.  I have unfortunately been short with both my husband and kiddo, simply becasue I wasn't sure how else to express my frustration.  I feel bad that I resort to beign short tempered when I can't just take a deep breath and reprioitize the situation.  Like seriously does the laundry basket full of towels need, I mean NEED, to get put away in 3 nights? (If you ask the real me yes it "needs" to but if you ask the realistic me, no it does not)  I hope this week that I can realize that my hubby did the best he could with our beautiful daughter while I was working late and that is all that matters.  Not that the towels were sitting in the laundry basket for 3 days...  I also hope that before I get short with my kiddo for "not listenting" that I relaize that this is hard for her too.  her mama isn't home every night like I used to be.  She too has some sort of "trauma" from what happened to our family last year.  I often try to forget that and chalk it up to she is young.  I am afraid that is not the case...  I am sad that my life so much became her life and is now affecting her.  I will work harder this week to focus on her feelings and realizing that at 3 a mama is very important and that she wouldn't ever intentionally not listen.  I need to look deeper at the situation and try to see it from her eyes.  That will be a challenge for me but I know I can do it. I think I need to find the good out of this situation of being overwhelmed or I too will be what I don't want to be... short tempered, crabby, and emotional.  I need to accept this challenge that God has given me, and learn what he is teaching me.  People do this everyday and they make it, and so will I! 
I try everyday to be a better person.  I try to look at the good and not the bad.  I try to be a good role model for others.  (ohh that word "try" is getting on my last nerve...)  Some days I may succeed and some days I may fall short.  I need to learn to be ok with that, tough lesson.  I need to learn to accept me for being me.  You would think that I would be getting the hang of this with all that life has thrown at me.  I dont' want to sound ungrateful for my life experiences, as they have taught me what I know but really...  All I want is 6 more hours in a day...I am not asking for more money or a new car.  Just more time... (or possibly a mini me... now that sounds fantastic)
As I posted on Facebook earlier this week... "I need to learn to say no."  I find that incredibly hard but I think for my own sanity I need to learn this.  I think for my family I need to learn to say this.  I wonder how one goes about learning this?  Does one just give it a try and it beings to feel right?  Does one never really learn the art of "no"?  I even feel horrible writting it... no...no...no....  even repeating it doesn't work...
I think I just feel like I don't want to miss out on an opportunity....  I don't want to disapoint anyone.... I was so close to not having more opportunities that I overwhelm myself now to be sure that I won't miss out.  Now doesn't that sound silly?  but really I think that is my fear.  If I say no I will miss out.
So as I get ready to find my pillow, that really misses me by the way, I will try to set my goals for the week at a reasonable level.  I will not expect the world from my family but expect the world for my family.  I will try to be easier on myself and realize that I am only human and that I can only do what I set my mind to.  I will try to be realistic with my own expectations and goals.  ahhh, good night and God Bless.
(Now I can sleep quilt free that I updated my blog :) he he he...  I sure hope that some of you are reading this!)

The day known as "Discharge Eve"

That is our little monkey.  Energy plus as we say most days.  That is her new "toy" from Santa this year.  She seems to enjoy jumping until puking, so over all, I think it was a great investment.  She reminds me everyday that life is good, God is good.  She keeps me grounded and for that I am thankful...  I am a tad envious of her continious energy and spirit :)

  As I sit on the couch tonight I am reminded of how different things were last year at this time.  (this day to be exact)  I clearly remember sitting in my rehab room wondering if I was ready to go home.  I was worried who would be able to help me and who would "answer my call light" and how was I going to do this?  I was suffering from some major delerium but was "clear" enough to be afraid and not sure if things were ever going to be ok again.  January 6th, 2010 I was finally discharged from the hospital and sent home.  (After a rather long stay I might add.)  I have come along way but boy at that time I wasn't sure if things were going to ever be normal.  Some thoughts as I sit here on my "Discharge Eve" are...
When I came home I wasn't able to walk unassisted, I had a walker and needed the stand-by assist of a human.  I could make it about 20 feet before I felt like I was hit by a Mack truck.  I required 4 liters of oxygen to even sit in my chair, a few more to walk to the bathroom.  I wasn't able to shower by myself.   I wasn't able to cook or clean.  (not sure I shoudl have been compalining about that...)  I wasn't able to hold my child.  I wasn't able to sleep in my bed, becasue I couldn't physically get into it.  I couldn't be alone in my own home. Wow, how depressing was all that...  Actually not that much.  I was surrounded by many of my co-workers that I hadn't seen in months.  I was able to spend quality time with my family and I was allowed time to actually learn about who I was.  I had time to think about life adn all it has to offer, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I was pretty vulnerable for a lot of that time but never once did I feel alone.  I knew that I had a huge support system behind me.  (or a fireing squad if I ever thought of giving up)  I couldn't be where I am today with out learning and going through what I did.  In some twisted way I am grateful for my experiences.  It has taught me to appreciate everyday and what each day brings to the table of life.  It has taught me to slow down and look at what is important in life... family...friends...  Little things like snuggling with my monkey or holding my husbands hand.  Even giving my pup table food (Jeremy you didn't read that...)  Even the little nothings are important in life...nothing to do.... nothing to talk about... nothing to want... nothing to need...  ahhh life is good, God is good.

Today I am thankful that I am able to sit here without oxygen.  I can walk without a walker and for longer distances.  I can shower, heck I can even relax and fall asleep in a bath if I choose.  (or if monkey allows it)  I can enjoy the snow that always seems to be "fresh" these days...(seriously I am getting a little tired of brushing off my car and starting to think that weather men/women learn a whole different measurement system then I did in school.  Who knew "only a dusting" meant 4-6 inches....) I am able to "walk quick" to chase after Bella.  I am able to sit back and reflect at all the wonderful things in my life.  I still get frustrated that I can't do things "the way I used to" but even that frustration gets put into perspective if I think about it long enough.  I am thankful that I am able to be productive and work full time!!  (Yep full time)  As a matter of fact I am able to work 2 jobs.  Now this time last year if you told me this is how life would be I would have challenged you a bit but I never quit reaching for my goals. ahhh life is good, God is good.

I wonder if I will ever not compare my present life to my life a year ago...  I wonder if I will ever not think back to those days...  I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...  For now I am ok with wondering and for that my friends, is good enough for me.  Good night all on this "Discharge Eve"