As I sit on the couch tonight I am reminded of how different things were last year at this time. (this day to be exact) I clearly remember sitting in my rehab room wondering if I was ready to go home. I was worried who would be able to help me and who would "answer my call light" and how was I going to do this? I was suffering from some major delerium but was "clear" enough to be afraid and not sure if things were ever going to be ok again. January 6th, 2010 I was finally discharged from the hospital and sent home. (After a rather long stay I might add.) I have come along way but boy at that time I wasn't sure if things were going to ever be normal. Some thoughts as I sit here on my "Discharge Eve" are...
When I came home I wasn't able to walk unassisted, I had a walker and needed the stand-by assist of a human. I could make it about 20 feet before I felt like I was hit by a Mack truck. I required 4 liters of oxygen to even sit in my chair, a few more to walk to the bathroom. I wasn't able to shower by myself. I wasn't able to cook or clean. (not sure I shoudl have been compalining about that...) I wasn't able to hold my child. I wasn't able to sleep in my bed, becasue I couldn't physically get into it. I couldn't be alone in my own home. Wow, how depressing was all that... Actually not that much. I was surrounded by many of my co-workers that I hadn't seen in months. I was able to spend quality time with my family and I was allowed time to actually learn about who I was. I had time to think about life adn all it has to offer, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was pretty vulnerable for a lot of that time but never once did I feel alone. I knew that I had a huge support system behind me. (or a fireing squad if I ever thought of giving up) I couldn't be where I am today with out learning and going through what I did. In some twisted way I am grateful for my experiences. It has taught me to appreciate everyday and what each day brings to the table of life. It has taught me to slow down and look at what is important in life... family...friends... Little things like snuggling with my monkey or holding my husbands hand. Even giving my pup table food (Jeremy you didn't read that...) Even the little nothings are important in life...nothing to do.... nothing to talk about... nothing to want... nothing to need... ahhh life is good, God is good.
Today I am thankful that I am able to sit here without oxygen. I can walk without a walker and for longer distances. I can shower, heck I can even relax and fall asleep in a bath if I choose. (or if monkey allows it) I can enjoy the snow that always seems to be "fresh" these days...(seriously I am getting a little tired of brushing off my car and starting to think that weather men/women learn a whole different measurement system then I did in school. Who knew "only a dusting" meant 4-6 inches....) I am able to "walk quick" to chase after Bella. I am able to sit back and reflect at all the wonderful things in my life. I still get frustrated that I can't do things "the way I used to" but even that frustration gets put into perspective if I think about it long enough. I am thankful that I am able to be productive and work full time!! (Yep full time) As a matter of fact I am able to work 2 jobs. Now this time last year if you told me this is how life would be I would have challenged you a bit but I never quit reaching for my goals. ahhh life is good, God is good.
I wonder if I will ever not compare my present life to my life a year ago... I wonder if I will ever not think back to those days... I wonder, I wonder, I wonder... For now I am ok with wondering and for that my friends, is good enough for me. Good night all on this "Discharge Eve"
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