Much appreciation

I have a new appreciation for those that can juggle lifes many fastballs and take it in stride.  A little background...  I am back to work full time now, Bless it be.  I am also working for St Cloud State as an adjunct faculty.  It is really only intended to be part time but in my world it is fulltime.  I am also a fulltime mother and wife.  Also I feel the need to warn you that this may be a bit rambled and rantish...  It may not even make sence...Now that being said...  I have tried very hard these last two weeks not to become overwhelmed with my crazy life.  I have tried hard to to bust out in tears cause I bit off more then I could chew.  I have tried not to yell at my husband or kiddo because I havent' gotten enough sleep.  I have tried to remember eveything I am spoced to be doing or following up with since my plate is overfull.  If I had to grade myself I would give me a solid B.  I have cried, cause I am human and I have feelings and limitations.  Both of which I have tested and pushed the limits of this past week.  I have unfortunately been short with both my husband and kiddo, simply becasue I wasn't sure how else to express my frustration.  I feel bad that I resort to beign short tempered when I can't just take a deep breath and reprioitize the situation.  Like seriously does the laundry basket full of towels need, I mean NEED, to get put away in 3 nights? (If you ask the real me yes it "needs" to but if you ask the realistic me, no it does not)  I hope this week that I can realize that my hubby did the best he could with our beautiful daughter while I was working late and that is all that matters.  Not that the towels were sitting in the laundry basket for 3 days...  I also hope that before I get short with my kiddo for "not listenting" that I relaize that this is hard for her too.  her mama isn't home every night like I used to be.  She too has some sort of "trauma" from what happened to our family last year.  I often try to forget that and chalk it up to she is young.  I am afraid that is not the case...  I am sad that my life so much became her life and is now affecting her.  I will work harder this week to focus on her feelings and realizing that at 3 a mama is very important and that she wouldn't ever intentionally not listen.  I need to look deeper at the situation and try to see it from her eyes.  That will be a challenge for me but I know I can do it. I think I need to find the good out of this situation of being overwhelmed or I too will be what I don't want to be... short tempered, crabby, and emotional.  I need to accept this challenge that God has given me, and learn what he is teaching me.  People do this everyday and they make it, and so will I! 
I try everyday to be a better person.  I try to look at the good and not the bad.  I try to be a good role model for others.  (ohh that word "try" is getting on my last nerve...)  Some days I may succeed and some days I may fall short.  I need to learn to be ok with that, tough lesson.  I need to learn to accept me for being me.  You would think that I would be getting the hang of this with all that life has thrown at me.  I dont' want to sound ungrateful for my life experiences, as they have taught me what I know but really...  All I want is 6 more hours in a day...I am not asking for more money or a new car.  Just more time... (or possibly a mini me... now that sounds fantastic)
As I posted on Facebook earlier this week... "I need to learn to say no."  I find that incredibly hard but I think for my own sanity I need to learn this.  I think for my family I need to learn to say this.  I wonder how one goes about learning this?  Does one just give it a try and it beings to feel right?  Does one never really learn the art of "no"?  I even feel horrible writting it... no...no...no....  even repeating it doesn't work...
I think I just feel like I don't want to miss out on an opportunity....  I don't want to disapoint anyone.... I was so close to not having more opportunities that I overwhelm myself now to be sure that I won't miss out.  Now doesn't that sound silly?  but really I think that is my fear.  If I say no I will miss out.
So as I get ready to find my pillow, that really misses me by the way, I will try to set my goals for the week at a reasonable level.  I will not expect the world from my family but expect the world for my family.  I will try to be easier on myself and realize that I am only human and that I can only do what I set my mind to.  I will try to be realistic with my own expectations and goals.  ahhh, good night and God Bless.
(Now I can sleep quilt free that I updated my blog :) he he he...  I sure hope that some of you are reading this!)

The day known as "Discharge Eve"

That is our little monkey.  Energy plus as we say most days.  That is her new "toy" from Santa this year.  She seems to enjoy jumping until puking, so over all, I think it was a great investment.  She reminds me everyday that life is good, God is good.  She keeps me grounded and for that I am thankful...  I am a tad envious of her continious energy and spirit :)

  As I sit on the couch tonight I am reminded of how different things were last year at this time.  (this day to be exact)  I clearly remember sitting in my rehab room wondering if I was ready to go home.  I was worried who would be able to help me and who would "answer my call light" and how was I going to do this?  I was suffering from some major delerium but was "clear" enough to be afraid and not sure if things were ever going to be ok again.  January 6th, 2010 I was finally discharged from the hospital and sent home.  (After a rather long stay I might add.)  I have come along way but boy at that time I wasn't sure if things were going to ever be normal.  Some thoughts as I sit here on my "Discharge Eve" are...
When I came home I wasn't able to walk unassisted, I had a walker and needed the stand-by assist of a human.  I could make it about 20 feet before I felt like I was hit by a Mack truck.  I required 4 liters of oxygen to even sit in my chair, a few more to walk to the bathroom.  I wasn't able to shower by myself.   I wasn't able to cook or clean.  (not sure I shoudl have been compalining about that...)  I wasn't able to hold my child.  I wasn't able to sleep in my bed, becasue I couldn't physically get into it.  I couldn't be alone in my own home. Wow, how depressing was all that...  Actually not that much.  I was surrounded by many of my co-workers that I hadn't seen in months.  I was able to spend quality time with my family and I was allowed time to actually learn about who I was.  I had time to think about life adn all it has to offer, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I was pretty vulnerable for a lot of that time but never once did I feel alone.  I knew that I had a huge support system behind me.  (or a fireing squad if I ever thought of giving up)  I couldn't be where I am today with out learning and going through what I did.  In some twisted way I am grateful for my experiences.  It has taught me to appreciate everyday and what each day brings to the table of life.  It has taught me to slow down and look at what is important in life... family...friends...  Little things like snuggling with my monkey or holding my husbands hand.  Even giving my pup table food (Jeremy you didn't read that...)  Even the little nothings are important in life...nothing to do.... nothing to talk about... nothing to want... nothing to need...  ahhh life is good, God is good.

Today I am thankful that I am able to sit here without oxygen.  I can walk without a walker and for longer distances.  I can shower, heck I can even relax and fall asleep in a bath if I choose.  (or if monkey allows it)  I can enjoy the snow that always seems to be "fresh" these days...(seriously I am getting a little tired of brushing off my car and starting to think that weather men/women learn a whole different measurement system then I did in school.  Who knew "only a dusting" meant 4-6 inches....) I am able to "walk quick" to chase after Bella.  I am able to sit back and reflect at all the wonderful things in my life.  I still get frustrated that I can't do things "the way I used to" but even that frustration gets put into perspective if I think about it long enough.  I am thankful that I am able to be productive and work full time!!  (Yep full time)  As a matter of fact I am able to work 2 jobs.  Now this time last year if you told me this is how life would be I would have challenged you a bit but I never quit reaching for my goals. ahhh life is good, God is good.

I wonder if I will ever not compare my present life to my life a year ago...  I wonder if I will ever not think back to those days...  I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...  For now I am ok with wondering and for that my friends, is good enough for me.  Good night all on this "Discharge Eve"